when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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