I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
