I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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