You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
