i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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