so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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