im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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