if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
