I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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