i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
