If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
