I feel like abortions should bother me more
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Houston, we have a squirter
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
