My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
