I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
