M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
