Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
