Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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