I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
