Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
