closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
