just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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