Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
