He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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