I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
