You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
