the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
