When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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