i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
