His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
