i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We got so high we made milksteak
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
