piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
