u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
