She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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