I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry about my life...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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