Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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