I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
