i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
