I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I touched a dick in church today
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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