So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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