we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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