i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
