Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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