I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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