oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
