in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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