God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
