i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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