The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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