His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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