I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
