Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
