I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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