If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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