Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
