Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
