Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
