he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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