i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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