You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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